I'm gonna have a badass scar
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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