that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
