she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
