im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
