Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
