I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
