I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
