I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
