Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
