there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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