I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
