I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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