I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
