I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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