So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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