Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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