Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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