Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
