Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
