I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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