Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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