this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
