im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
