My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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