party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You ruined the universe
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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