I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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