Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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