That's intense
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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