I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Drunk is not a location!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
