U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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