it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
