i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
