I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
