im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
