We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
