I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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