I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
