I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
