I can text with my tongue
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
