If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
