You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
