Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
