My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
