i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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