I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
