The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
