I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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