I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
