"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's never too late to be topless.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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