we have officially lost it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
