i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
