Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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